Cactus Kleinschmidt's Cosmic Casino Part TWO

[Gorshin Romero]

Hi Everybody,

I apologize for the delay as well as the formatting issues, but here is the conclusion to the fan fiction script I'd written and posted last month. I hope everyone enjoys it, and of course I DO welcome ALL comments and critiques; that is how i learn to improve upon my writing. If anyone is here who has not read part one yet, please check it out from a post sometime in mid-February. Again, thanks to everybody who reads and comments.

Cactus Kleinschmidt’s Cosmic Casino
Part 2
Exterior of the parking lot of Cactus Kleinschmidt’s Cosmic Casino. Cactus Kleinschmidt and Batman stand back to back, each holding a dueling pistol aimed upward. As the announcer speaks, scenes from the previous episode are broadcast.

Announcer (V.O.)
We have already seen: West German outlaw Cactus Kleinschmidt comes to Gotham City.
The Cosmic Casino has a Grand Opening.
Aunt Harriet the High Roller, but where are her winnings?
Millionaire Bruce Wayne & Commissioner Gordon---Undercover.
The House wins, but not honestly.
Batman & Robin try their luck to expose the monkey business.
A bat fight, followed by the threat of a lawsuit.
A challenge to a duel from an undefeated champion.
Is this the end for the Caped Crusader? Is Batman about to fold?
Stay Tuned! The answers to these and other questions are only moments away!
Bat spin which takes us to the opening credits.

Exterior. The same as before. When Fullhaus begins to count, both Batman and Cactus Kleinschmidt step forward. With each count, we see a shot of each person watching the duel.

Fullhaus
I will begin to count. Each of you are to take one step forward. After I count to ten, you will both turn and fire at your opponent. Gentlemen…One…two…three…four…five…six…seven…eight…nine…TEN!

Cactus Kleinschmidt turns to fire at Batman, gun cocked, but he stops and looks baffled; Batman has made no attempt to turn and fire.

Cactus Kleinschmidt
Vhat are you doingk? Turn around.

Batman
I’m afraid that I have just crossed over the boundary line into the official city limits of Gotham City, where it is a class B felony to fire a weapon for the purposes of partaking in a duel—Gotham City ordinance 81573 dash 481 point 62. Anyone found discharging a firearm for the purposes of dueling within city limits will be guilty of a class B felony. Since I have taken an oath to uphold the law rather than break it, I am thus compelled to lay down my weapon and not participate in this any further.

Batman gingerly lays down his weapon but continues facing away from his opponent.

Cactus Kleinschmidt
Fliedermaus, I told you to turn around! Stop Vasting time here! Vee haff a duel to fight!

Batman
As a fully deputized officer of the law, I cannot go any further with this, since I am now within the boundaries of Gotham City, nor can I take any steps backward and face you, for that would give me an unfair advantage over you and thus disqualify me from participating any further.

Fullhaus
What are you waiting for, Boss? He’s making it easy for you; shoot him.

Cactus Kleinschmidt
In der back? In 368 years of dueling, no Kleinschmidt has effer shot an opponent in der back! He is trying to turn me into a yellow-bellied gugel schnutzen! Turn around, Fliedermaus!

Batman
According to the official rules of dueling, whenever a stalemate occurs, the two offending parties must go their separate ways. Saxon’s Official Rules For Dueling, page 39, paragraph two, subsection 9 rule number 14.

This obviously frustrates Cactus Kleinschmidt, but he realizes that to preserve his honor as a Prussian duelist, that he also must abide by the rules. He hands the dueling pistol over to Fullhaus and concedes.

Cactus Kleinschmidt
All right, Fliedermaus. You’ve brought us to a draw, but you haffen’t heard der last of me! All Gotham City law enforcement personel, get off uff mein property immediately. You vill be hearing from mein attorney!

Commissioner Gordon, Chief O’Hara, Robin and the others cheer Batman’s clever ploy, but they do leave as instructed.
Batspin
Scene 2. The Batmobile as it drives through Gotham City on the way back to the Batcave.

Robin
Golly Batman, that was a close call.

Batman
Nonsense Robin. I immediately calculated the distance of ten paces from where we were standing, knowing full well that the tenth pace would put me just over the boundary line. Knowing the pride that Prussian duelists take in their handiwork, it came as no surprise to me that Cactus Kleinschmidt would refuse to finish me off…so long as my back was to him. No true duelist would dare to violate Saxon’s Rules.

Robin
Gosh yes Batman. Even a super criminal like Cactus Kleinschmidt does have a sense of honor.

Batman
This is true, Old Chum. However, now would be a good time to brush up on our legal lessons. I have no doubt that our Prussian guest will soon be filing a civil suit against us for destroying his casino.

Batspin
Scene 3. Exterior. Establishing shot of the parking lot at the office of ODIN KIRK, Attorney At Law. Cactus Kleinschmidt and his crew approach the building.

Rouletta
Tell me Liebshen, how did you find this guy?

Cactus Kleinschmidt
I looked in der Yellow Pages under Attorneys Mit names dat sound like Norse gods. Since Odin vas der king of Valhalla, it is only fitting dat an attorney name Odin Kirk be used to serve der papers to der Fliedermaus undt his wunderkind.

Scene 4. Interior. The Office of Odin Kirk, Attorney At Law.

Odin
So let me get this straight, you wanna’ sue the Caped Crusaders and Gotham City for destruction of private property, harassment, assault, and…what else?

Cactus Kleinschmidt
Disruption of an illegal gambling casino mit out der license.

Odin glances at the papers and grins.

Odin
Herr Kleinschmidt, in addition to these charges, let us also consider pain and suffering as well. Mr. Blackjack, Mr. Fullhaus, and Mr. Longshot: did the Caped Crusaders hurt you?

Fullhaus
Yeah, they hurt my feelings.

Blackjack
They destroyed my tables and physically assaulted me, and my co-workers.

Longshot
I had to shoot two of my video horses because of them.

Odin
And what about you, Ms. Rouletta?'

Rouletta
I don’t know if I can ever serve peppermint Schnapps again.

Odin
Obviously this will severely limit your future employment opportunities. Herr Kleinschmidt, as an attorney and as a card carrying member of the American Civil Liberties Union, I have no doubt that we’ll be able to squeeze every last dime out of the Gotham City treasury because of this unwelcome infringement on your civil rights as a super criminal. Of course, upon receiving the judgment in your favor, I immediately get 30% of the winnings…I mean, the settlement.

Cactus Kleinschmidt
Sounds wunderbar, Herr Odin Kirk. Howeffer, if vee vere to break der bank uff der Gotham City coffers, is it possible dat vee ourselfs couldt be running dis town?

Odin
Would you like that, Herr Kleinschmidt?

Cactus Kleinschmidt
Verrrry interesting. I could be der burgermeister uff Gothamberg! I couldt tell dat ridiculous police commissioner undt his stooge uff a police chief dat dhere is a new sheriff in town. Undt der best revenge uff all: to force der fliedermaus undt der wunderkind to vork for ME! Dat vill teach him to withhold shooting at me during a duel!

Odin
I’ll file the lawsuit, and the process of making you the burgermeister of Gothamberg will begin!

They all laugh raucously. Bat spin.
Scene 5. Interior. Commissioner Gordon’s Office, the next day. Batman and Robin are with Commissioner Gordon and Chief O’Hara. Batman is looking at the summons.

Commissioner Gordon
It arrived this morning, Batman. It seems as though that Prussian outlaw will stop at nothing to squeeze every last dime out of our fair city.

Chief O’Hara
Saints presarve us. If he wins this lawsuit, I’ll be back walkin’ the beat and guarding the local donut shops and strudel bakeries instead of doing real police work.

Batman
I’m afraid he does have a case for the moment.

Robin
Holy Bratwurst! He’s got us buffaloed, and he’s doing it legally.

Batman
I’m afraid for now, we’ll have to wait until our day in court arrives.

Bat spin
Scene 6. Exterior of Cactus Kleinschmidt’s Cosmic Casino. Alfred escorts Aunt Harriet and her bridge club members up the steps to the casino entrance.'

Announcer (V.O.)
Meanwhile, at the Cosmic Casino, Aunt Harriet’s bridge club members are returning for another round of fun & frolic.

Aunt Harriet
Alfred, this time I’m going to keep a much closer eye on my winnings.

Alfred
Madame, perhaps it would be best if you and your fellow bridge players actually played bridge rather than these games of chance.

Aunt Harriet
Oh Alfred, what fun is that? Don’t you remember? I’m a high roller! That nice dealer Mr. Blackjack said that I was a natural.

Alfred
Madame, casino employees say any number of fanciful things to, shall we say, attract the pigeons.

Aunt Harriet
OH Alfred!'

Cactus Kleinschmidt opens the doors and greets the ladies.

Cactus Kleinschmidt
Undt vhat do we haff here? Der luffly fraus uff der bridge club! Wilkomen again to der Cosmic Casino! Are you pretty ladies ready to place your bets?
The ladies cackle with delight from the attention of the handsome outlaw.

Aunt Harriet
Oh Mr. Kleinschmidt, I bet you say that to all the ladies bridge clubs.

Cactus Kleinschmidt
I must confess dat after mein tables ver destroyed in a brawl, der only games vee are currently operating are the wideo horse races. I do hope dat vill not be any type uff inconwenience for you.

Aunt Harriet
Not at all, Mr. Kleinschmidt.

Cactus Kleinschmidt
Please Frau Cooper, call me Cactus.

Aunt Harriet
All right Cactus. Let’s go see a man about a horse.

Scene 7. Interior of the casino. Aunt Harriet is successfully playing the video horse races.

Longshot
Mrs. Cooper, I’ve never seen anybody as lucky as you. You must really know your horses.

Aunt Harriet
Well, I did watch “National Velvet” eleven times! And I have an autographed copy of “My Friend Flicka” on my bookshelf at home.


Longshot
My goodness, Mrs. Cooper. You certainly are up on your equestrian literature. Would you like to place another bet?

Alfred
Madame, I think we’ve had enough betting for one afternoon. Besides, within an hour it will be time for you to make Master Bruce and Master Dick their milk and cookies for the day.

Aunt Harriet
Dear me, Alfred, you’re right. I’ll just place one more bet on the horses and then we can head on out the door.

Rouletta approaches with a tray full of drinks.

Rouletta
Guten tag, Herr Alfred the faithful manservant. I have a special drink on the house just for you.

Alfred
Madame, it is my duty to inform you, that I am not here on pleasure but strictly as a chaperone to Mrs. Cooper and her friends at the bridge club. Now is not the time for me to partake of any libations.

Aunt Harriet
Miss, he does have to drive us back home. In the meantime, I’m feeling lucky. Mr. Longshot, I want to bet it all!

Alfred
Madame, may I remind you that lady luck is a b---

Longshot
---BETS ARE CLOSED! And they’re off!

Scene 7. Interior of the upstairs office. Fullhaus is messing with a computer keyboard while Cactus Kleinschmidt observes.

Fullhaus
The old bat bet it all!

Cactus Kleinschmidt
Dhen it’s time for her to lose it all.

Fullhaus
I’m way ahead of you, Boss.

Scene 8. The video horse racing game.

Longshot
Oh I’m sorry Mrs. Cooper, but it looks as though you’re luck has run out
.
Alfred
I’m sorry for your loss, Madame, but perhaps it’s just as well, since it is time for us to take leave of this place.

Aunt Harriet and her friends are visibly dejected.

Aunt Harriet
I don’t understand it, Alfred. And I just finished watching “The Story Of Seabiscuit” last night.

Alfred
Look on the bright side, Madame. At least you didn’t lose your shirt.

Batspin
Scene 9. Interior of the Bat Cave. Batman is busy at the bat computer with Robin. Alfred enters with milk and cookies.

Batman
Is it time for our milk and cookies already, Alfred?

Alfred
Actually they’re long overdue. I’m afraid that your Aunt Harriet and her friends at the bridge club had me bring them on another excursion into that vile casino. Thankfully, after winning a bundle, she lost everything after betting it all on one of those video horse races.

Robin
Holy Steeplechase! It looks like Aunt Harriet’s becoming addicted to that casino!

Batman
Lady Luck is a seductive mistress, Robin, but like all women, she’s fickle.

Alfred
There was one bright spot from all of this gambling, I must say. It would appear that your aunt has lost her confidence in her own abilities to win, and she has since sworn off all bets for the time being. In fact, her friends from the bridge club have decided to take up baking as a new hobby as well. These cookies were baked by all of them.

Robin
Holy Tollhouse! It looks like they’ve exchanged their poker chips for chocolate chips.

Alfred
Quite, Master Robin. It’s safe to say that now, the bridge players really are rolling in the dough.

Batman
And in a healthy manner, I might add. But now, we need to get to work as well. Our day in court is swiftly approaching, and if my calculations are correct, we need to find some type of legal loophole to keep Cactus Kleinschmidt from turning Gotham City into Gothamberg, as he calls it.

Robin
If Cactus Kleinschmidt wins the lawsuit, what will become of us?

Batman
I shudder to think of the possibilities, Old Chum.

Batspin.
Scene 10. Interior of the COURT ROOM. Cactus Kleinschmidt and his crew sit on one side with Odin Kirk. Batman, Commissioner Gordon, and Chief O’Hara sit on the opposite side. Robin sits behind them. The BAILIFF announces the entrance of JUDGE SESSELL MADISON, played by either Idris Elba or Andre’ Braugher.

Bailiff
Oye, Oye Oye, all rise, court is now in session, the honorable Judge Sessell Madison presiding.

Judge Madison
Be seated. This is the case of Cactus Kleinschmidt vs.--- Gothamberg?

Odin
If it pleases the court, Your Honor, we mean Gotham City. My client here is from Germany and he speaks with a German accent. We thought the court would be accommodating to him so as not to violate his civil rights by making fun of his speech.

Judge Madison
So noted. Are both sides ready to present their opening arguments?

Odin
We are, Your Honor.

Batman
We are as well, Your Honor.

Judge Madison
Proceed.

Odin
Thank you, Your Honor. Ladies and Gentlemen of the court, it is our contention that my client and his employees, were brutally assaulted at their place of business, by two ruffians known as Batman and Robin. The Dynamic Duo, as they are often called, caused dynamic damage to my client’s place of business, which by the way, he was legally permitted to operate within the bounds of the law. Thanks to the merciful heart of my client, he has presently declined to press criminal charges against these vigilantes. Nonetheless, he does demand civil and punitive damages from said Dynamic Duo and Gotham city, aka Gothamberg, to pay not only for the destruction of private property but also for pain and suffering to him and his employees.

Rouletta, Fullhaus, Blackjack, and Longshot all put sad looks on their faces.

Odin (continuing)
My client concedes that gambling is not for everyone. However, for those who do wish to place their bets and spend an enjoyable time playing games of chance with the opportunity to win big money, why shouldn’t those people be allowed to have some good old-fashioned family fun and entertainment? I ask that whatever personal or moral objections one may have about gambling to be put aside, for this is not about the morality of gambling, not by a longshot. It’s about the rights of adults to indulge in legitimate and legal pursuits of pleasure within the confines of a legal business establishment. That includes the right to be protected from hooligans and vigilantes who take it upon themselves to destroy private property and infringe upon private business owners to run their establishments in peace. Remember good people of the court, that if you decide against the plaintiff, my client, that at some point in the future Batman and Robin may suddenly decide that your favorite bakery, or restaurant, or nail salon, or house of worship, or grocery store, or bordello, should be put out of business! What then!? My fellow citizens, I shudder to think of the possibilities!

Judge Madison
Does the defense have any opening remarks?

Batman
If it please the court, I do. Good citizens of Gotham City, while Cactus Kleinschmidt may have had a valid license to operate a casino just outside the Gotham City limits, he was not operating in a legal manner.

Odin
Objection! Hearsay.

Judge Madison
Sustained. Remember Batman, this is a court of law. There is no room for criminal accusations here.


Batman
Understood Your Honor. As I was saying, the plaintiff gave the appearance of operating a legitimate business. When Robin and I entered the casino to warn customers about losing money, in whatever manner they were doing it, we were soon attacked by the plaintiff’s employees and thus forced to defend ourselves. As a result, numerous gaming tables were destroyed, but I contend that this was not because of any malicious intent from Robin and myself, no. This was an unfortunate consequence of us being attacked by the employees of Cactus Kleinschmidt’s Cosmic Casino.

Odin
Objection Your Honor. These continued slanderous accusations against my client and his staff are prejudicial as well as personally offensive to them. Must my clients be forced to listen to baseless accusations against them? It’s a well-known fact that many Americans were prejudiced against Germans during both World War I and World War II. Obviously some Americans still carry prejudicial grudges against German immigrants.

The court room observers gasp in horror.

Judge Madison
Sustained. Batman I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to refrain from making prejudicial remarks about the plaintiff, or else you’ll be held in contempt of court.

Batman
With all due respect, Your Honor, I am attempting to present my case. As it stands, if certain facts are not presented to the court, then I’m afraid justice will not be served.

Odin
Objection Your Honor! As an attorney and as a card carrying member of the ACLU, I can fully attest that facts have no place in a court of law, especially in civil cases when said facts make people with criminal histories look bad!

Judge Madison
Sustained. Batman if this is the best you can do, I’m afraid I have no alternative but to rule in favor of the plaintiff. This court hereby awards Cactus Kleinschmidt full rule over Gotham City, heretofore which shall be referred to from this day forward, as Gothamberg, and it’s new chief of City Hall shall be referred to as Burgermeister Cactus Kleinschmidt. Court is adjourned.

Batspin
Scene 11. Interior of the Bat Cave. Batman and Robin are at the bat computer.

Robin
Well Batman, I thought I’d never say it, but it looks like this time the arch criminal has won.

Batman
There’s always hope, Robin, even the Hindenberg had its survivors.

The Bat phone RINGS, and Batman goes to answer it.

Batman
Yes Commissioner.

Intercut phone call between the interior of the bat cave and what was once Commissioner Gordon’s office.

Cactus Kleinschmidt
Guten Tag, Fliedermaus.

Batman
Cactus Kleinschmidt?

Cactus Kleinschmidt
Please Fliedermaus, address me as Burgermeister Cactus Kleinschmidt. I haff earned der title.

Batman
What are you doing using the bat phone in Commissoner Gordon’s office?

Cactus Kleinschmidt
You mean der office uff der former Commissioner Gordon. He and his stooge O’Hara haff taken a voluntary demotion. Dhey are both back valking der beat. Personally I think it vill do dhem both some both some gut.

Batman
I see. So…to what do I owe this unexpected phone call?

Cactus Kleinschmidt
Fleidermaus, I like you. You are cleffer, undt you are an expert fighter. Zince you undt der wunderkind are fully deputized officers uff der law, undt since I am der burgermeister uff Gothamberg, you undt der wunderkind are now vorking for me!

Batman
Excuse me?

Cactus Kleinschmidt
You heard me, Fliedermaus. You undt your sidekick are now official security officers uff der Cosmic Casino! Your shift begins tomorrow at High Noon. Don’t be tardy! Vee Germans run an efficient casino. Auf wiedersen.

Cactus Kleinschmidt hangs up. Return to interior of the bat cave.

Batman
Robin, it would appear that we are now working for the enemy. The new burgermeister of Gothamberg has impressed us into service by making us security guards at his casino.

Robin
Holy Goose Step! The nerve of that arch criminal! What are we gonna’ do, Batman?

Batman
Perhaps we should use this as an opportunity, Old Chum. It would appear that our Prussian nemesis is giving us an unfettered chance to get a closer look at his operation.

Robin
But why? Wouldn’t Cactus Kleinschmidt realize that we’d put him out of business the first chance we get?

Batman
Perhaps, but hubris is a powerful motivator, Old Chum. Since he has beaten us in a court of law, he obviously wants to lord it over us by forcing us to now work for him. I think it would be best if you and I appeared to be cooperative with our Prussian employer, at least for the time being.

Robin
Gosh yes, Batman. Then the minute he drops his guard, we’ll put the drop on him!

Batspin.
Scene 12. Exterior. A street in Gothamberg, the next day. Commissioner Gordon and Chief O’Hara are walking the beat. Both men are dressed in liederhosen and eating a bratwurst and apple strudel. A German OOMPA PAH band plays in the background.

O’Hara
Saints Presarve us, Patrol Officer Gordon. I never thought in me wildest dreams that I would be back walking the beat and enjoying it so much. Although it pains me to admit it, I have to say that Gothamberg is a rather fun place to wark.

Gordon
Indeed it is, Beat Cop O’Hara. Those Germans truly do know how to have a good time. Do you know what we need? Some hot salty pretzels along with some ice cold beer to wash them down, at the end of our shift, of course.

O’Hara
Mother McRee! I’ve always been a fan of Irish stout and Irish whiskey, but I must say, nothing goes better with a big salty pretzel than an ice cold beer straight from the tap.

The BANDLEADER approaches Gordon and O’Hara.

Bandleader
Patrol Officers Gordon and O’Hara! As part of good public relations between the public and law enforcement authorities, why don’t you both join us in a good old-fashioned song from the fatherland? Tell me, do you know the words to “Du Du”?

O’Hara
We can larn them! Let’s get singing, Officer Gordon. We don’t want to disappoint the public.

Batspin
Scene 13. Interior. The Bat Cave. Batman & Robin slide down the bat poles and enter the batmobile, being sure to put on their safety belts. The batmobile zooms out of the bat cave.

Scene 14. Exterior. The batmobile passes by a new sign written in German Calligraphy that reads:
Gothamberg 22.5308 Kilometers.

Scene 15. The Batmobile driving around Gothamberg.

Robin
I’m sure that Cactus Kleinschmidt will split us up during our shift at the casino. How will we find each other if we see anything illegal?

Batman
No need to worry about that, Robin. I doubt that he’ll make us privy to anything the first day on the job. Besides, now that he’s the burgermeister of Gothamberg, as he calls it, he may not feel the need to cheat anybody out of their hard earned money.

Robin
Gosh yes Batman. He’s a politician now; there’s no way he’d do anything illegal or embarrassing.

Batman
Just the same, Old Chum, you’re correct that we should both keep our eyes open for even the slightest questionable behaviors from our new employer and his staff.

As they drive through Gothamberg, they notice Gordon and O’Hara dancing to a polka with several young ladies.

Robin
Holy Roll Out The Barrel! Look!

An intercut between the batmobile and the dancers occurs.

Pretty Blonde Dancer
Beat Cop O’Hara, you dance divinely.

O’Hara
Well Fraulein, as we say in County Cork: Ach Du Liechtenstein!

Pretty Brunette Dancer
Patrolman Gordon, perhaps you would join me for a waltz later this evening?

Gordon
I think that would be Wonder Bar.

The batmobile has pulled over and the Caped Crusaders emerge.

Robin
Holy Oktoberfest! What do you think is going on?

Batman
Apparently the former Commissioner Gordon and Chief O’Hara have assumed their new duties.

Batman and Robin approach both of them. O’Hara & Gordon continue dancing even as the Caped Crusaders try to talk with them.

Batman
Gentlemen, what has gotten into the two of you?

Gordon
Oh hello Batman. I mean, Guten Morgan. O’Hara and myself have made the acquaintance of these lovely frauleins and as part of good police community relations, we’ve decided to join them in a polka.

O’Hara
It’s part of our job description now that the burgermeister has made some changes.

Batman
Gentlemen! Don’t you realize that the burgermeister is corrupting this fair city?

Robin

O’Hara stops dancing.

O’Hara
Saints Presarve Us, Former Commissioner Gordon. He’s right.

Gordon stops dancing.

Gordon
Indeed they are, Former Police Chief O’Hara, indeed they are.

O’Hara BLOWS HIS POLICE WHISTLE, which stops the music. He addresses the bandleader.

O’Hara
May I ask you, sir, do you have a permit to be playin’ yer music on the streets?

Bandleader
I wasn’t aware that I needed one.

Gordon
Sir, you and your fellow band members are very talented, but this is a city street and it must not be congested with music and wild dancing, at least not during a work week. On a holiday or during a festival, you and your friends are more than welcome to play in a public park, but during the regular course of a weekday, I’m afraid we cannot allow this.

Robin
Gotham City ordinance 499987 dash 603 point 1-9. No musical mirth and/or dancing shall be conducted on public property during a weekday without a license.

O’Hara
All right everybody, move it along now. Let’s go, or as we say in County Cork, Schnell Schnell, Bariechtusch. We’ll see you at Oktoberfest.

The band members and crowd disperse.

Gordon
I don’t know what we were thinking, Caped Crusaders.

Batman
Demotions often have that effect on otherwise responsible citizens, Patrolman Gordon. It is a rare person who could resist the temptations of a German polka band.

O’Hara
Sure and it is.

Gordon and O’Hara look at each other in their liederhosen and grin.

Gordon
Whaddya’ say, Beat Cop O’Hara? Are you ready to get out of this costume and take back our fair city?

O’Hara
Sure and I am, Patrolman Gordon.

Gordon
What should we do, Batman? Do you have a plan?

Batman
I’m afraid we’ll have to play this one by ear, Former Commissioner Gordon. On the positive side, Robin and I will now have access to that den of vice since the Burgermeister has made us a part of his security staff. Prepare to raid a casino this afternoon.

Batspin. Scene 15. Exterior of the Cosmic Casino.

Announcer (V.O.)
Meanwhile, at the Cosmic Casino, it looks as though some other plans are being made.

Scene 16. Interior of the upstairs room, where Cactus Kleinschmidt and his crew deliberate.

Rouletta
Liebshen, are you really going to allow the Caped Crusaders to work here? How can we keep the operations going if they’re part of the security team?

Fullhaus
She’s right, Boss. With Batman and Robin right here in our midst, they’ll be keeping an eye on us the whole time. We might actually have to play legitimately.

Cactus Kleinschmidt
Leave der Fliedermaus undt der wunderkind to me. Vhen I get through mit dhem, dhey vill either join us, or join der people buried on Boot Hill.

They hear the batmobile pulling up. Longshot goes to the window and peeks out.

Longshot
Hey Boss, that’s them now.

Cactus Kleinschmidt looks up at the clock and smiles.

Cactus Kleinschmidt
Right on time! Wunderbar! Let us bid our newest staff members Wilkomen!

Scene 17. Exterior of the Cosmic Casino as Batman and Robin emerge from the batmobile. Cactus Kleinschmidt and his entourage rush outside to greet the Caped Crusaders.

Cactus Kleinschmidt
Wilkomen Fliedermaus undt Wunderkind! Der both of you are NOW official employees of Der Cosmic Casino! Vee are delighted to haff der both of you as part of our schtaff!

Rouletta runs up between the two of them and puts her arms around both of them.

Rouletta
Batman and the Boy Wonder! You two are so strong and handsome! Will you both be there to protect me like good Norse warriors if some hooligan tries to get fresh with me?

Robin is obviously blushing. Batman tries to relieve the situation.

Batman
I’m sure if the situation occurs, that Robin and myself will…rise…to the occasion

Rouletta
OOOOOOhhhh Batman, you make me hope that some hooligan does try to get fresh with me.

Robin
Don’t worry, Ma’am. Batman and I will be there to stop any and all hooligans.

Cactus Kleinschmidt
Wunderbar! Now, let’s all go inside undt get ready. Vee haff a big day ahead of us. Remember, it’s a difficult responsibility…that you accept from der number one lawmaker…me. As burgermeister uff Gothamberg, I haff officially made today Burgermeister Cactus Kleinschmidt Day!

Batman
You mean that you’ve declared a holiday in honor of yourself?

Cactus Kleinschmidt
In celebration of me being burgermeister, I haff invited all of Gothamberg’s gamblers to der casino mit special drawings and raffles throughout der day. Remember Fliedermaus undt Wunderkind: Der Haus alvays vins. Make sure dhat you never forget dhat.

Batman
We appreciate your words of encouragement, Burgermeister Kleinschmidt. Robin and I will be sure to be on the lookout for any monkey business going on inside your casino, and we promise to put a stop to it.

Cactus Kleinschmidt
Gut. Let us prepare for der crowds; dhey shouldt be here mit in der hour.

Batspin.
Scene 18. Interior of the casino. Crowds of gamblers are having fun at new tables offering blackjack, poker, roulette, and the video horse racing game. An obnoxious gambler keeps losing his money at the craps table and is getting angry about it.

Obnoxious Gambler
What’s going on here!? I was winning big a few minutes ago and now my luck has changed!

Blackjack
Well then you should probably keep playing, after all if at first you don’t succeed, try try again.

Obnoxious Gambler
I have been trying, over and over!

Batman approaches.

Batman
Excuse me sir, is there a problem?

Obnoxious Gambler
I was winning, but now I’m losing. I don’t like that.

Batman
Then perhaps you should try playing something that you would be more skilled at, like tiddly winks.

Robin approaches.

Obnoxious Gambler
I don’t like your attitude. I’m gonna keep rolling the dice, and I expect to win!

Robin
Excuse me, but it looked like trouble was brewing, so I thought I would come over to help out.

Batman
It appears that this gentleman is unhappy with the fact that his luck has changed for th worse. I merely suggested that he try to play something more his speed, but he insists on continuing to roll the dice.

Robin
Holy Craps Batman! What should we do?

Batman
I have an idea, Old Chum.

Scene 19. Interior of the upstairs office. Cactus Kleinschmidt approaches Fullhaus, who wears a listening device and is watching the commotion at the craps table.

Cactus Kleinschmidt
Vhat’s goingk on down dhere?

Fullhaus
I’m not sure, boss. It sounds like Batman and Robin are trying to keep a problem customer from going ape on us.

Cactus Kleinschmidt
Sooo, our newest employees haff decided to get mit der program. Gut. Let’s see how dhey handle dhemselves.

Batman
Excuse me Mr. Longshot, but we have a problem customer over at the dice table. Robin and I are going to handle him, but I’ll need to borrow your microphone if that’s okay.

Longshot
Certainly Batman. Anything to solve a problem.

Batman
Thank you for your help.

Batman stands under the center light with the MICROPHONE and begins speaking.

Batman
Good citizens of Gothamberg, it appears that the gentleman over at the dice table has suddenly gotten over his winning streak, and he is very displeased over it. Has anybody else lost a lot of money at this casino?

General murmurs of disapproval are heard throughout the casino.

Batman
Seeing to the fact that Robin and I are head of security, part of our job is to insure that everybody has a safe and enjoyable time.

Scene 20. Intercut scene: Interior of the upstairs office.

Cactus Kleinschmidt
I’m liking dhis, Fullhaus. Der Fliedermaus is finally seeing it my vay.

Longshot
Yeah Boss. Who would’ve thought that Batman and Robin would be so helpful to us?

Batman under the center light.

Batman
So in the interest of keeping our customers happy, as well as honoring our newest Burgermeister of Gothamberg, Burgermeister Cactus Kleinschmidt…

Upstairs office.

Cactus Kleinschmidt
Dhis is making me glad dhat I didn’t shoot him in der back! You see, Fullhaus? I vas right!

Batman in the center under the light.

Batman
Ladies and Gentlemen, Dammen undt Herren, it is my honor to announce to you all right now, that in acknowledgement of this happy day, Cactus Kleinschmidt’s Cosmic Casino is now declaring that all of you good gamblers of Gothamberg are hereby the big winners of the day! Go to the cages right now and everyone gets $100,000 in free chips! Courtesy of Cactus Kleinschmidt’s Cosmic Casino!

Upstairs office.

Cactus Kleinschmidt
VHAT did he just say!?

The Casino Area. Loud shouts of joy erupt throughout the casino as rowdy gamblers rush the cages to grab their winnings. Robin approaches Batman.

Robin
Holy Stampede, Batman!

Batman
Be prepared Robin. The fallout is about come upon us.

Cactus Kleinschmidt and Fullhaus enter the casino area and Cactus Kleinschmidt calls out from the stairwell.

Cactus Kleinschmidt
All right Fliedermaus! Dhis time you haff gone too far! Get dhem boys! Schnell! Schnell! Bariechtusch!

Cactus Kleinschmidt, Fullhaus, Longshot, and Blackjack attack the Dynamic Duo. Each punch shows exclamations of “BIFFENBACHER!” “KRACKENMUNCHEN!” “OUCHENHOSEN!” “SCHMACK-A-DOODLE!” “WRECKENHAUSER” & “OOM PAH POW!” Finally the Caped Crusaders dispatch all of their enemie s& in the process destroy gambling tables & exposing the INTERNAL MACHINERY with large letters on them reading CHEATING DEVICES; then Gordon & O’Hara arrive.
.
Gordon
What’s going on here?

O’Hara
Saints presarve us, it would appear that an old fashioned brawl has occurred here. Where are the chief security officers?

Batman
Good law enforcement officers of Gothamberg, it seems that the burgermeister is guilty of corruption and operating a dishonest casino.

O’Hara
Then it looks like the burgermeister is going to start flipping burgers and bratwursts---at the Gotham State Penitentiary Cafeteria! All right, every one of you, let’s go.

O’Hara & Gordon round up the outlaws.

Gordon
So Burgermeister Cactus Kleinschmidt! You’re going to go away for a very long time, and not even your fast talking lawyer, Odin Kirk, will be able to get you out of this one! What do you have to say for yourself?

Cactus Kleinschmidt smugly looks at all of them while wearing handcuffs.

Cactus Kleinschmidt
I’ll be back.

Scene 21. Interior of Stately Wayne Manor. Aunt Harriet sits across from Alfred who is now her bridge partner, while Bruce and Dick face each other as bridge partners.

Dick
Aunt Harriet, it looks like you and Alfred have cleaned us both out.

Bruce
I must say, Aunt Harriet, your bridge game certainly has improved. You’ve won all of my chocolate chip cookies.

Aunt Harriet
Don’t be discouraged, boys, I’ve been practicing with Alfred, and I’ve learned several strategies recently.

Alfred
Indeed she has; I’ll see you two oatmeal raisin and raise you an apple strudel.

All chuckle happily as the scene fades out to the closing credits.

[elmrgraham]

Excellent.When is your next Batman Fan-Fic?

[Gorshin Romero]

Thanks elmgraham, I'm glad you enjoyed it. Not sure when my next fan fiction will be written; I'm currently working on the first draft of a stage play that I've been trying to compose. Nonetheless, I still checkout the bat board whenever I can. Have a great one!

[Gorshin Romero]

As someone mentioned earlier, had this been done during the original broadcast of the show, perhaps Horst Bucholz would have been a good actor to portray Cactus Kleinschmidt, although Arnold Schwarzenegger is still my first choice with Dolph Lundgren as a close second, should a new show with the same feel and style to it ever be produced.

[elmrgraham]

I hope that the Scuba Diving Villainess The Sea Hag will be considered as a Guest Villainess.Pamela Anderson could play her.Thank You.

[clavierankh]

Mattman wrote a Seahag fan fic on this site a a year or so ago.

[robinboyblunderer]

I haven't read this yet but wanted to say good luck with your stage play. I'm sure you'll find writing your own work more satisfying than fan fiction.

cheers

[elmrgraham]

Good Luck with your stage play.

[elmrgraham]

Who will be your next Batman Guest Villain/Villainess?

[Gorshin Romero]

Thanks for the words of encouragement everybody. Not quite sure who my next bat villain will be; fan fiction is sort of a hobby for me, and the story of Cactus Kleinschmidt has been going over in my brain since around late 1999 or early 2000, so I thought it would be fun to finally write it. I really would like to get one of my stories produced someday, preferably onstage, so I'm going to spend the next few months concentrating on my current play. That said, I do have some story ideas for some bat villains that I still do wish to compose at some point. I know this is a dream, but it would be great if the next Batman reboot would be a clone of the original show that we all grew up with and love, done in pretty much the exact same style. I would love to work as a writer on such a production of Batman. Perhaps we could call it "Dynamic Duo" to distinguish it from the original. Oh well, such are the things of which dreams are made. Elmgraham, I especially thank you for your comments. Apparently there already is a Sea Hag story floating around; did you read it yet? I'll have to take a look at that along with the other fan fiction stories written by my fellow Bat Fans!

[Gleeps, it's Batman]

Thanks for posting part 2! I was wondering how you'd get Batman out of the duel. Very clever! Loved the law quotes and the holy whatevers. Great job!

[Gorshin Romero]

Gleeps, it's Batman: THANK YOU SO MUCH! I really appreciate the comments. I hope that I can develop my stage play in a similarly successful way! Believe it or not, I actually have an idea for another villain later on. I"ll reveal him eventually, but I would like to see him team up with Cactus Kleinschmidt. When time allows...thanks again for your words of encouragement; I'm always pleased when others enjoy my stories.

[celestialhost]

Excellent work

[Gernot]

This would have been a hilarious 2-parter! I especially liked the Germanic Bat-fight effects. "OUCHENHOSEN!"

[Gorshin Romero]

Celestialhost and Gernot: Thank you kindly for your compliments and words of encouragement. It's people like those here on the Batman Message Board that encourage me to continue writing. For those of you out there who want some more fan fiction, I promise you that there is more to come. I have several Bat Villains of my own creation that I want to put up against the Dynamic Duo.