The Colonel Bogus March Part Two

[Gorshin Romero]

Hi Everybody: here is the conclusion to my latest fan fiction from Season Four of our favorite program. For those who may not remember, I have chosen Kelsey Grammer to play the Special Guest Villain, Colonel Bogus. Thanks to Chris B. Critter and TBolt and Progress Pigment for your suggestions on Part One, and yes, had this been done during the show's original run, I do think that Sterling Hayden would have made the role of Colonel Bogus a memorable one.


“THE COLONEL BOGUS MARCH” PART 2

Announcer V.O.
We have already seen:
A group of mercenaries robbing armored cars.
The work of Colonel Bogus and his bogus soldiers.
Teenage rebellion from a youthful ward in preparation for being a mole.
Dick Grayson---Cadet in training.
Dick Grayson’s first mission.
Mission Accomplished, but under suspicious circumstances.
A plan to raid for Fort Gotham AND to capture the Bogus Colonel.
But all is not as it seems.
Is Dick Grayson about to become enemy of the people? Is Colonel Bogus about to claim victory? Stand at attention! The answers to these and other interrogations are about to be revealed!
Batspin to the opening credits.

Scene 1. Exterior of the hill overlooking Gotham City. Dick Grayson is nervously on his stomach with his rifle prepared to storm Gotham City as soon as the cannon is fired. He looks around and sees the outskirts of Gotham City and gets an idea. Dick Grayson rises to his feet quickly.

Colonel Bogus
Cadet Grayson! Why did you leave your station!? I gave you a direct order! What’s your problem, Cadet!?

Cadet Grayson
Begging the Colonel’s pardon, I must confess something, Sir.

Col. Bogus
What is it, Cadet!? Are you going to tell me that you’re the mole!?

Cadet Grayson
No sir! Nothing of the sort!

Col. Bogus
Then what is it, Grayson!? We’ve got a city to besiege! You’re wasting time, Cadet!

Cadet Grayson
Again, begging the colonel’s pardon, I think we can take over Gotham City in a much easier way that will bring a glory to the Colonel that has never been done in the history of the world!

Col. Bogus
How’s that!?

Cadet Grayson
Sir, with the Dynamic Duo and the Gotham City police force protecting Fort Gotham, we don’t need to go in and charge down the hill to take over Gotham City! We can simply walk in and take it over ourselves! Think of it, sir! You’ll go down in history as the Colonel who took over Gotham City without firing a shot! Forever after in the history books, the name of Colonel Bogus will be KNOWN for being so powerful and so sly, that he was able to take over Gotham City NOT with a show of force, but simply by marching into Gotham City and declaring it as his own! Forever after, Colonel Bogus will be known as the man who came up with the brilliant military tactic of simply walking into a city and taking it over in a matter of minutes by outsmarting Batman and Robin & the Gotham City Police! This is something that no arch criminal has ever been clever enough to do! From now until doomsday, YOU will be known to have led all of us into victory during… THE COLONEL BOGUS MARCH!

Colonel Bogus puts out the wick and ponders this for a moment. Lt. Sutherland looks very suspicious.

Lt. Sutherland
Begging the Colonel’s pardon, sir. I believe this is rank insubordination! This cadet should be taken out and---

Colonel Bogus
QUIET SUTHERLAND! When I want your opinion, I’ll ask for it! Hmmm…You know, Grayson, I don’t like it when subordinates try to take over my command. Nonetheless, I do enjoy the irony of going down in history as the Colonel who outwitted the Dynamic Duo and took over Gotham City simply by walking into it and making it my own with NO resistance, because the dynamic duo and the Gotham City police were fooled by their own mole. All right Grayson, we’ll try it your way. Men, gather up the artillery and follow me, and let’s whistle our favorite marching tune.

Colonel Bogus leads the mercenaries while they all whistle “The Colonel Bogey March” happily silhouetted against the morning sun. Lt. Sutherland, however, is not pleased.

Scene 2. The interior of Fort Gotham.

Announcer V.O.
Meanwhile, in the secured vaults of Fort Gotham, something is amiss.

Commissioner Gordon
(looking at his wrist watch)
I just don’t understand it, Batman. They should have been here by now.

Chief O’Hara
Sure and what could be keeping our bogus colonel and his villainous troops? Why, when I sarved in the military, punctuality was a mandate.

Batman
Commissioner, Chief O’Hara, it would appear that something has gone wrong.

Commissioner Gordon
Batman, if anything has happened to Dick Grayson, I’d never forgive myself! And worse yet, I don’t think millionaire Bruce Wayne would ever forgive us either.

Batman
I wouldn’t worry about what we’re going to tell Bruce Wayne, Commissioner, at least not yet. Perhaps we should get a report from our lookout.

Commissioner Gordon
Of course. Chief O’Hara, get on your walkie-talkie and find out what our lookout can see.

Chief O’Hara
This is honey bear to shamrock…come in shamrock…over.

Shamrock V.O.
Yes honey bear, over.

Chief O’Hara
Sure and begorrah, what do you see on the hill overlooking Fort Gotham? Do you see any mercenaries approachin’ us?

Shamrock V.O.
Negative, Chief Honey Bear. In fact it looks like they’re all retreating and marching toward Gotham City, and they’re whistling a catchy tune.

Chief O’Hara
Copy that, Shamrock. Over and out.

Commissioner Gordon
What could it possibly mean, Batman?

Batman
Gentlemen, it would appear as though we’ve been had. It seems we’ve been given bad information after all, in order to divert our attentions away from the actual target…

Chief O’Hara
Saints Presarve Us, Caped Crusader! You don’t mean…

Commissioner Gordon
The very thought of it is mind-boggling; is it possible that…?

Batman
I’m afraid so, Gentlemen. It would appear as though Gotham City has now fallen into the hands of the enemy.

Chief O’Hara
Mother McRee…it was a bogus plan all along. It looks as though Dick Grayson has betrayed us!

Commissioner Gordon
I don’t understand it, Batman. Why would Dick Grayson suddenly turn on us and deliberately give us false information? Could it be that he actually…has decided to join up with those criminal mercenaries?

Batman
Premature speculation does not help any of us out, Commissioner. Nonetheless, it is rather…mind-boggling.

Chief O’Hara
Saints presarve us…We’re locked out of our own city.

Batspin
Scene 3. Exterior. The Steps to Commissioner Gordon’s Office.
Colonel Bogus ascends the stairs and stops at the top, turning to address his men.

Col. Bogus
HALT! Men, we have successfully entered the stronghold of Gotham City without firing a shot, thanks to Cadet Grayson. However I have no doubt that the enemy will return to engage us, so it’s imperative that we set up a defense around the perimeters of Gotham City. If Batman or the Gotham City P.D. makes any attempt to enter the city, FIRE AT WILL! IS that understood, men?

Mercenaries
YESSIR!

Col. Bogus
I CAN’T HEAR YOU!

Mercenaries
YESSIR!

Col. Bogus
(grinning wickedly)
Sutherland! Grayson! Let’s get into Commissioner Gordon’s office and let everyone know that there’s a new Sheriff in town!

Batspin. Scene 4. Interior of Commissioner Gordon’s Office. Colonel Bogus, Lt. Sutherland and Cadet Grayson are looking around.

Col. Bogus
Not a bad set up, but I’m sure it’s nothing like stately Wayne Manor, isn’t that right, Grayson?

Cadet Grayson
Sir! Yes Sir!

Lt. Sutherland notices the Bat phone.

Lt. Sutherland
Hey! What’s this?

Col. Bogus
This must be the famous bat phone! I’ve read about it; it’s a hotline to Batman.

Col. Bogus picks up the glass case and then the receiver, pressing the button. Dick Grayson is getting very nervous.

Grayson
Begging the Colonel’s pardon---

Col. Bogus
Quiet, Grayson! That’s an order!

Scene 5. Interior of Bruce Wayne’s Study where Alfred is dusting when the bat phone gets his attention. Alfred looks at his watch and is slightly puzzled.

Alfred
It would seem that the Battle of Fort Gotham has ended rather quickly.

Alfred picks up the phone for an intercut phone call between him and Col. Bogus
.
Alfred
Sir, I take it victory is at hand.

Col. Bogus
You take it correctly, Sir!

Alfred
Oh my, with whom am I speaking?

Col. Bogus
You are speaking with the new Commander-in Chief of Gotham City! Colonel Bogus! Who are you!?

Alfred
I Sir, am a loyal aide to Batman himself.

Col. Bogus
Well, loyal aide, your allegiance is about to change, along with everyone else’s here in Gotham City! Batman and Robin and the incompetent police force have been permanently locked out of Gotham City, and I, Colonel Bogus, am now in charge, thanks to the ingenuity of one Cadet Grayson!

Alfred
Master Dick!

Col. Bogus
NOT MASTER DICK! CADET GRAYSON! He came up with a plan that allowed us to lay siege to Gotham City and declare victory without firing a shot! He’s going to get a medal AND a statue in the town square because of his ingenuity!

Alfred
You mean that he’s going to get a statue in the town square for betraying his city?

Col. Bogus
Well…not as tall a statue as the one of me that’s going up, but YES, he will get a statue. Now you listen to me, whoever you are, you can rest assured that the Caped Crusaders are FINISHED! And as much as I’d like to stay here and chat on the phone with you, I’ve got bigger plans. Now drop and give me 50 or you’ll be on KP for the next two weeks!

Colonel Bogus hangs up the phone.

Interior of Bruce Wayne’s Study.

Alfred
Oh my, it seems that Master Dick truly has fallen in with those ruffians.

Scene 5.
Exterior of the hill overlooking Gotham City. Batman stands beside the batmobile with Commissioner Gordon and Chief O’Hara and two patrolmen. Batman looks through his Bat-noculars to see that Gotham City has a blockade of mercenaries protecting its borders.

Chief O’Hara
Saints Presarve Us, Gotham City is under siege!


Commissioner Gordon
And to think that we were sold out by Dick Grayson! Millionaire Bruce Wayne is going to be outraged when he finds out!

Batman
I’m sure that Millionaire Bruce Wayne will handle his young ward effectively when the opportunity presents itself, Commissioner. In the meantime, we’ve got to find a way to break through that blockade that the Bogus Soldiers have set up.

Commissioner Gordon
But Batman, they’ve got heavy artillery and cannons. We’re no match for that.

Batman
A city is only as safe as its police force is effective, Commissioner. Despite the fact that we’re currently locked out, the motto of the Gotham City Police Department still rings true: to protect and to serve the good citizens of Gotham City.

Chief O’Hara
Shore and that’s the case, Batman. I would hate to think that the Gotham City Police Department under Commissioner Gardon and me-self would ever get the reputation for being incompetent and ineffective.

Commissioner Gordon
But there’s nothing we can do about that now.

Batman
Perhaps you’re right, Commissioner. The best thing to do right now would be to return to our current base of operations, Fort Gotham. It would be best that we work out our plans there for the time being.

Batspin
Scene 6. Interior. Stately Wayne Manor. Aunt Harriet is watching TV.

TV V.O.
Hey, what wisenheimer took my Luckies while I was running that card game!?

The DOORBELL RINGS.

Aunt Harriet
Now who can that be?

Aunt Harriet shuts off the television and approaches the door and is joined by Alfred.
LOUD AGGRESSIVE KNOCKING at the door.

Aunt Harriet
I’m coming! Don’t be so impatient!

Alfred
Madame, I think it would be best if I answered the---

MORE AGGRESSIVE LOUD KNOCKING.

Aunt Harriet
Somebody needs to learn a few manners!

Aunt Harriet opens the door to reveal Dick Grayson.

Aunt Harriet
Dick…you’ve come home! We’ve been worried sick about you, young man! You have a lot of explaining to do!

Colonel Bogus appears from the side.

Col. Bogus
Madame, I am the one who will explain! As of this moment, Stately Wayne Manor is now the official base of operations for me and my men! Consider this a hostile takeover! Where’s Bruce Wayne!? Bring him in here on the double so that I can debrief him of the current situation! As of this moment, consider Stately Wayne Manor to be occupied territory!

Alfred
Sir, I’m afraid Mr. Wayne is away on business and is not scheduled to return for several days.

Col. Bogus
Oh!? And just who are you!?

Alfred
I am Mr. Wayne’s personal manservant, Alfred, the faithful butler.

Col. Bogus
Your voice…why do I get the feeling that I’ve heard your voice somewhere before?

Alfred
Perhaps if you fought in the Second World War, you would recognize my voice as that of Duke Ha-Ha! I used to broadcast propaganda to the Axis powers to demoralize them, while playing popular hits of the day. It was only one manner in which I contributed to the war effort. ! I even served once with Sir Christopher Lee, before he began working for Hammer!

Aunt Harriet
Why Alfred, you never mentioned that you were the voice of Duke Ha-Ha during the war.

Alfred
I am a man of many secrets, Mrs. Cooper, and I am not prone to boastful chatter.

Aunt Harriet
I don’t like to brag either, but believe it or not, I worked on the atom bomb and the Manhattan Project.

Col. Bogus
Well then, Duke Ha-Ha, you can make yourself useful to us! Start preparing some chow for me and my men! Taking over Gotham City works up an appetite! And by the way, when I’m not around, Cadet Grayson will be giving the orders around here! Is that understood!?

Aunt Harriet
Dick, this is an outrage! And to think that I thought that you’d come to your senses!

Cadet Grayson
Aunt Harriet, I---


Col. Bogus
Don’t get soft on me now, Grayson! I know she’s your aunt, but a mercenary does NOT allow personal feelings to obstruct his duty! Just because you’re now a war hero doesn’t mean that you can rest on your laurels! Is that clear, Cadet!?

Cadet Grayson
Crystal…Colonel.

Colonel Bogus calls out to the others who have been waiting outside.

Col. Bogus
All right, men, come inside and get used to your new barracks! I think we’re going to like it here!

Several mercenaries enter and begin to take over the place, much to the horror of Aunt Harriet & Alfred.

Aunt Harriet
These boys look nothing like what I’ve seen on the recruiting posters!

Alfred
Madame, I’m afraid that these men do NOT accurately represent the United States military.

Col. Bogus
All right, faithful manservant, get in that galley and start cooking!

He turns to Aunt Harriet.

Col. Bogus
And as for you, Madame: Drop and give me 50! Just because!

Aunt Harriet gets in the push up position.

Aunt Harriet
Colonel, you may not realize it, but I was the push up queen of 1943 when I was in the WACS! And if anyone needs to be WHACKED, IT’S YOU! Maggot!

Batspin
Scene 7. The interior of Fort Gotham.

Commissioner Gordon
I must admit, Batman, I haven’t felt this demoralized since Cactus Kleinschmidt became the Bergermeister of Gothamberg and demoted me and Chief O’Hara back to patrolmen walking the beat.

Batman
We must never give up hope, Commissioner. Gotham City has faced numerous threats from the likes of such villains as the Penguin and the Riddler, and of course, the Sea Hag, but those vile arch criminals have always been defeated, one way or another.

Commissioner Gordon
True enough, Batman. I recall how the Sea Hag almost became Crime Queen of the Gotham City Underworld.

Batman
Nonetheless, her reign of terror has ended, and she will never bother us again, thanks to the personal efforts of Mr. Graham. Nonetheless it is time to focus on defeating this bogus colonel, who, despite our best efforts, has outsmarted us.

Chief O’Hara
Sure and ‘tis that it never would have happened had it not been for the treachery of that young ward, Dick Grayson! I still can’t believe it!

Commissioner Gordon
Chief O’Hara! You’ve given me an idea!

Chief O’Hara
Mother McRee! You came up with an idea, Commissioner?

Commissioner Gordon
Indeed I have! Batman, what if we tried to get in touch with Bruce Wayne? Perhaps he could appeal to Dick Grayson to give himself up if we promise that we’ll go easy on him if he turns in Colonel Bogus to the authorities and allows us to enter the city.

Batman
I’m sure Bruce Wayne is busy attending to other duties, Commissioner.


Commissioner Gordon
Perhaps, but it wouldn’t hurt to try to get in touch with him. Surely Colonel Bogus hasn’t cut off all communications with the outside world. I’m going to get to the phone and call Bruce Wayne immediately; I know his number by heart.

Batspin
Scene 8. The interior of Stately Wayne Manor. Colonel Bogus sits at the dining room table with Dick Grayson, Lt. Sutherland, and Aunt Harriet.

Col. Bogus
Cadet Grayson, I have to admit, it couldn’t have been easy for you to give up this lifestyle so quickly.

Lt. Sutherland
I’m getting used to it, myself, Sir.

Cadet Grayson
But I really wanted to get out on my own and prove myself, Colonel. I want to thank you for giving me the opportunity to do that, sir.

Aunt Harriet
Dick, you’re an ungrateful little toad! You should be ashamed of yourself for associating with these hooligans!

Cadet Grayson
Aunt Harriet, if you only understood. A man’s gotta’ do what a man’s gotta’ do.

Alfred enters
.
Aunt Harriet
Disgraceful! Alfred, would you bring us some more soup please?

Col. Bogus
Madame, I give the orders around here! Duke Ha-Ha! More soup! On the double! MOVE IT MOVE IT MOVE IT MOVE IT MOVE IT!


Alfred
Sir, I’m afraid that the last of the broth was consumed by your men in...what I believe they called…the mess hall.

Col. Bogus
Just for that, they’re going to live on C-rations for the next three days! All right, Duke Ha-Ha, I think I’m going to give you your old job back.

Alfred
Sir?

Col. Bogus
You said that you used to give propaganda broadcasts, correct?

Alfred
Yes, while playing the current pop hits of the day.

Col. Bogus
Then that is just what you’re going to do. I’m going to put you on the radio, and you’re going to demoralize Batman and Robin and the Gotham City police by playing today’s current pop hits! And of course, you’ll be telling them that it’s useless to resist and that they should simply surrender. And should the enemy choose to resist…

He turns to Aunt Harriet

Col. Bogus
Then you, Madame, are going to help me construct an atom bomb to drop on Fort Gotham to get rid of those pests once and for all.

He and Lt. Sutherland laugh wickedly.

Aunt Harriet
Oh my.

The PHONE RINGS.

Col. Bogus
I’m not expecting any calls!

Alfred
Then perhaps you had better let me answer it; it could be Mr. Wayne calling.

Col. Bogus
Well if it is, put him on immediately! I have some news for him.

Alfred leaves to answer the phone.

Cadet Grayson
Sir, with your permission, perhaps I should listen in.

Col. Bogus
Go ahead Cadet, permission granted.

Dick Grayson leaves.

Lt. Sutherland
Sir, with your permission, perhaps I should discreetly listen in as well. I may learn something.

Col. Bogus
Permission granted, Lieutenant. Bring me back some good news.

Lt. Sutherland exits.

Aunt Harriet
You ought to be ashamed of yourself! Leading young men astray like that! Didn’t you take an oath? Didn’t you solemnly swear to defend the United States of America?

Col. Bogus
I did, and I did. But now it’s time to help myself! And this is only the beginning! First Gotham City, and then…the world! Just think: once the world is mine, I will go anywhere, and everywhere I go, everybody will know the name of Colonel Bogus!

Aunt Harriet
So that’s it! You want to go where everybody knows…your name.

Col. Bogus
Well right now, I’m going to listen in on that phone call and make sure everything is on the up and up.

Scene 9. Interior of the kitchen of stately Wayne Manor. The PHONE RINGS and Alfred answers while Dick and Lt. Sutherland attempt to listen in outside the door to an intercut phone call. Dick sees Lt. Sutherland.

Cadet Grayson
(whispering)
Lt. Sutherland, Sir, what are you doing here?

Lt. Sutherland
Same thing you’re doing, Cadet! Listening in. Now be quiet!

Alfred hears this and plays along.

Alfred
Stately Wayne Manor, Alfred the faithful butler speaking.

Commissioner Gordon
Alfred, this is Commissioner Gordon. It’s imperative that I speak with Bruce Wayne immediately! I’m exiled at Fort Gotham with Chief O’Hara and Batman and the rest of the Gotham City P.D. And now it appears that Gotham City has been overrun with mercenaries. I need to warn Bruce Wayne about this, and then he needs to get in touch with his young ward and talk some sense into him. Otherwise Gotham City is doomed!

Intercut to the parlor; apparently Colonel Bogus has been listening in on this conversation as well.

Alfred
I’m sorry, Commissioner, but Bruce Wayne is currently unavailable at this time.

Commissioner Gordon
Grim news, Alfred. Do you have any idea when he might return?


Alfred
Truthfully Commissioner, Stately Wayne Manor is now under the command of the infamous Colonel Bogus himself and is thus considered to be occupied territory.

Commissioner Gordon
Alfred, this is terrible!

Alfred
Not necessarily, Commissioner. The Bogus Colonel has taken it upon himself to promote me to be his Minister of Propaganda.

Commissioner Gordon
Minister of Propaganda!? Of all the nerve!

Alfred
If I may so bold as to suggest that you and Batman and the rest of your forces begin listening to my broadcasts at 0800 hours tomorrow morning. That is when I will begin demoralizing all of you by playing current pop hits and telling you that you have all lost the war. Don’t forget, my broadcast will begin at 0800, so don’t miss it…Maggots. And from now on, you may address me by my on-air personality: Duke Ha-Ha!

Alfred hangs up.
Scene 10. Interior of Fort Gotham. Commissioner Gordon shakes his head dejectedly in front of Batman and Chief O’Hara.

Commissioner Gordon
Will these indignities never cease?

Batman
Give us the grim news from the home front, Commissioner.

Commissioner Gordon
It appears that while Bruce Wayne was away, Stately Wayne Manor has been taken over by that BOGUS COLONEL! To make matters worse, Alfred the Butler has been impressed into service as the colonel’s personal minister of propaganda! He now demands to be addressed as Duke Ha-Ha, and he says that he’s going to make demoralizing broadcasts to all of us while he plays current pop hits on the radio beginning at 0800 hours tomorrow morning.

Chief O’Hara
Sure and Begorrah, there are few things more demoralizing than current pop music.

Batman
Ingenious!

Commissioner Gordon
What is?

Batman
Gentlemen, I think we found another mole. Alfred’s loyalty to Bruce Wayne is well-known among the elite of Gotham City; he would never be disloyal to Bruce Wayne. That’s why he is known as Alfred the faithful butler. The fact that Alfred wants us to listen to his radio broadcasts as Duke Ha-Ha means that he may try to give us secret messages on air telling us how to penetrate the barrier around Gotham City.

Chief O’Hara
Saints Presarve Us, it looks like the Bogus Colonel outsmarted himself this time!

Commissioner Gordon
Very well, Batman, if you say so.

Batspin.
Scene 11: Interior of Occupied Wayne Manor, where Col. Bogus is addressing Lt. Sutherland and Cadet Grayson, and Alfred the Butler, aka Duke Ha-Ha as they are walking past Bruce Wayne’s Study.

Col. Bogus
All right, it’s all settled. Tomorrow morning we begin the propaganda broadcasts. Tell me Duke Ha-Ha, are you able to broadcast from here?

Alfred
Heavens No, I wouldn’t think of it. There’s no place here to do such a thing.

Lt. Sutherland notices the door to the study and puts his hand on the knob.

Lt. Sutherland
Why not? We could use this room right here.

Lt. Sutherland begins to open the door.

Alfred
Oh no! Not in there!

Lt. Sutherland
Why not? What’s in there?

Col. Bogus
Yeah…what is in there?

Cadet Grayson
Sir, I’m afraid that Bruce Wayne has his special collection of…

Col. Bogus
Of WHAT!?

Cadet Grayson
Well Sir, it’s a bit embarrassing, but…Bruce Wayne collects…dolls, Sir.

Col. Bogus
Did you say DOLLS, Cadet?

Cadet Grayson
Yessir. Begging the Colonel’s pardon, I would respectfully request that we leave Bruce Wayne’s doll collection alone. He would be very embarrassed if anybody knew that he had a room full of toy dolls. While I want to prove myself to him that I can handle life on my own and make my own way without his help, I really don’t want to embarrass him. After all, he did help me out for a long time after the death of my parents.

Lt. Sutherland
So the great millionaire playboy has a toy doll collection! HA! Let’s get a look at this!

Col. Bogus
Lt. Sutherland! REFRAIN!

Lt. Sutherland
But Sir---



Col. Bogus
ENOUGH, LIEUTENANT! When I was a lad, I collected toy soldiers and held them prisoner. When my father discovered my little POW camp, he sent me to see a psychiatrist named Dr. Crane. Silly as it may seem, if Bruce Wayne wishes to indulge in such proclivities, well, be that as it may, we will allow him to have his dignity, for the time being anyway. All right, my orders are for all of us to refrain from entering Bruce Wayne’s dollhouse. Besides, we don’t want it to rub off on us. Now, where were we?

Alfred
I believe we were about to make plans for my radio show. I say we take over local radio station WGTH and let the propaganda fly.

Col. Bogus
All right, Duke Ha-Ha, you know what you’re doing, but as a bit of ironic courtesy, make sure you mention that your show is sponsored by Peacenik’s Military Hardware Store.

Alfred
Peacenik’s? Why? Did that old hippy buy some airtime on my show?

Lt. Sutherland
Well, sort of…he just didn’t know it.

Alfred
How so?

Col. Bogus
Well if it makes any difference to you, it was Peacenik’s supply store that we robbed to get all of that heavy artillery to put up a force field around Gotham City! HA! PEACENIK! Robbing that old hippy of all his military hardware was as easy as…taking over Gotham City with it! Anyway, as a favor to the old hippy since we robbed him and he helped us out unintentionally, I figured that you could name him as one of our sponsors, even if he didn’t mean to be.

Alfred
That sir, I assure you I can do.

Batspin. Scene 12 Interior. The Radio Station of WGTH where morning drive Disc Jockey Howie Sternbaum is broadcasting. Unknown to him, Duke Ha-Ha, Cadet Grayson, & Col. Bogus enter discreetly.

Howie Sternberg
Good Morning Good Citizens of Gotham City! I hope you are ready for some feel-good music, some heartfelt philosophical advice, and all-around good conversation from me, Howie Sternberg. If you’re new to Gotham City and aren’t familiar with me, I am your morning drive DJ, Howie Sternberg, and I believe in putting out positive, upbeat messages of love and peace and goodwill toward anybody within listening distance of my show, every morning that I’m on the air. Do you feel good today? Do you feel positive? Then give me a call, and let’s share the positive energy with everybody.

Col. Bogus
I’m afraid your message of feel-good happiness is about to be cancelled!

Howie Sternberg
Oh my goodness, it’s the leader of that fearsome band of mercenaries, Colonel Bogus! To all the members of my listening audience, let’s send light and love to this Bogus Colonel, so that he will see the light and work for peace and social justice for all people. Together now: OHHHHMMMMM…OHHHHMMMM…OHHHHMMMM…

Col. Bogus
Get yourself away from that mic before I rip you away from it!

Howie Sternberg
Ladies and Gentlemen, I seem to be having my show hijacked. Please keep sending positive vibes my way…OOHHHHMMMM…OHHHHHmmm.. ooohhhmmm…

Howie Sternberg gets up from his chair and microphone and Alfred assumes the position as Duke Ha-Ha. This leads to an intercut scene from the interior of the radio station back and forth to Fort Gotham.
Scene 13. Interior of Fort Gotham

Batman
All right, it’s time for Alfred’s broadcast. Let’s get that radio on.

Commissioner Gordon
Of course.

Commissioner Gordon turns on the radio.



Duke Ha-Ha
Good Morning Suckers. This is Duke Ha-Ha, your new morning drive disc jockey, ready to demoralize you from radio free Gotham City. We just took over KGTH radio, and now it’s all FREE! To Commissioner Gordon, Chief O’Hara, the Gotham City Police Department, and most of all, to the Caped Crusaders, I hope you are all listening. I have good news for all of you! The war is over! You have LOST! The best thing you can do right now is to surrender to the occupying army and become one under the command of our glorious leader, Colonel Bogus!

Commissioner Gordon
Of all the nerve and insolence!

Batman
Let us refrain from jumping to any conclusions, Commissioner. The show is just beginning.

Duke Ha-Ha
And now, Maggots, I have a special dedication to our sponsor, PEACENICK’S Military Hardware Store.

Chief O’Hara
Peacenik’s!?

Duke Ha-Ha
That’s right---PEACENIK’s! For those of you who may not know, Peacenick’s was kind enough to supply all of the military hardware currently in use by Colonel Bogus and his band of mercenaries. They have every bit of Peacenik’s Military Hardware surrounding Gotham City to defend it from any attack from outside forces, so with that in mind, I think you all know what to do. Thank you, Peacenik! We couldn’t have done it without you! This song, entitled “This Land Is Your Land” by Justin Cleaver, is dedicated to YOU!

Duke Ha-Ha plays the song and it’s heard over the radio and Fort Gotham.

Commissioner Gordon
Listen to that awful music! Duke Ha-Ha doesn’t seem to be helping us out at all!

Chief O’Hara
Begging the Commissioner’s pardon, but he is.

Batman
How so, Chief O’Hara?

Chief O’Hara
Peacenik rents military hardware to movie makers! None of it’s real! It’s like selling costume jewelry from Tiffany’s. Think of his name: “Peacenik” He’s a pacifist as sure as the Emerald Isle has leprechauns!

Commissioner Gordon
Are you sure, Chief O’Hara?

Chief O’Hara
Sure as I’m the Chief of Police of Gotham City, Commissioner. I know because when that movie crew was here filming “The Sands of Gotham City” I was warking a second job as security on the set years ago, and I even got a walk-on part as an extra. In fact, I’d mentioned it to Alfred when I saw him at the Gotham City Bijou on his night off.

Batman
Then Alfred would know this as well. Gentlemen, prepare the Gotham City Police Department for battle!

Batspin
Scene 14. Exterior. The Gotham City Police force, led by Batman and Commissioner Gordon and Chief O’Hara march forward to Gotham City silhouetted against the morning sunlight whistling “It's A Long Way To Tipperary"

Scene 15. Exterior. The Perimeters of Gotham City. Cadet Oates and Gossett are with Sergeant Jersey watching the oncoming march of the Gotham City P.D. through their binoculars.

Sgt. Jersey
It looks as though a bunch of slimy worms are approaching us!

Oates
It looks like those punks from Fort Gotham are approaching us to do battle, Sergeant!

Gossett
Only two things come out of Forth Gotham: Gold and…

Sergeant Jersey
I KNOW what comes out of Fort Gotham! ALL RIGHT, MERCENARIES! PREPARE TO FIRE ON THE APPROACHING ENEMY!

The mercenaries get into position and load up the cannons, lighting the fuses. Sergeant Jersey grabs a megaphone and calls out to the approaching GCPD and Batman.

Sergeant Jersey
HALT, LADIES! APPROACH NO FURTHER OR YOU WILL BE DECIMATED!

CUT to Batman and the others.

Chief O’Hara
I can hardly wait to see the looks on their smug faces once they realize that they stole a bunch of movie props instead of real weapons.

Batman
Prides goeth before the fall, Chief O’Hara. These bogus soldiers are about to be captured.

They arrive a few yards away from Sergeant Jersey and the other mercenaries.

Batman
Surrender You Villainous Pawns! You have no chance of escape!

Sergeant Jersey
Funny thing, Batman! I was going to say the same thing to you! In ten seconds you are all going to be cannon fodder!

Commissioner Gordon
Young man, you’re going to be very sorry that you ever associated yourself with that traitor, Colonel Bogus!

Sergeant Jersey
Too bad you won’t live to see that day, Maggot!

The cannons fire off but only harmless puffs of smoke are emitted. The mercenaries are shocked!

Oates
Sergeant Jersey, what happened?

Batman
Perhaps this will be a lesson to all of you: never bring a cannon to a bat fight!
Care to join me, gentlemen?

Commissioner Gordon
Nothing would give me greater satisfaction!

Chief O’Hara
Aye Batman! With pleasure!

A bat fight ensues with Commissioner Gordon and Chief O’Hara and the rest of the Gotham City Police Department. Fight balloons of “BIFF” “SMACK!” “OUCH” CRAAAACK” AND “POW!” fill the screen but of course, our heroes emerge victorious.

Batman
Well Commissioner, I think it’s safe to say that this riff raff will find a new home in the stockade.

Commissioner Gordon
I must say, Batman, that Bat fight was very invigorating!

Chief O’Hara
Shore and it reminded me of me younger days, brawling with the McDaniels in County Cark. Whaddya’ say, Batman? Shall we lock up these traitors and then head on over to stately Wayne Manor and liberate it from their fearless leader before Bruce Wayne retarns to Gotham City?

Commissioner Gordon
That’s right, Batman! I’m sorry to say that I’m going to have to get an arrest warrant for Dick Grayson.

Batman
Thank you, Commissioner, Chief O’Hara, but I think that I had better get on over there myself. I want to find out exactly what Dick Grayson’s role has been in all of this. Remember, a man is innocent until proven guilty, according to our code of law. Perhaps we should give Dick Grayson the benefit of the doubt until we can get his side of the story.

Chief O’Hara
Shore and yer right, Batman. Besides, I’m going to contact me old army buddy. I think he will take great pleasure in bringing in the bogus colonel. I’ll send him over to stately Wayne Manor as soon as I can.

Batspin. Scene 16. Exterior shot of Stately Wayne Manor.

Announcer V.O.
And so…unbeknownst to our villains, Batman has plans to liberate Wayne Manor.

Scene 17. Interior of the Parlor of Stately Wayne Manor. Aunt Harriet plays chess with Colonel Bogus.

Aunt Harriet
Check! Maggot!

Col. Bogus
Madame, don’t think that because you worked on the Manhattan Project, that you can----

LOUD KNOCKING at the door.

Col. Bogus
Now who can that be!? DUKE HA-HA! Answer that door! ON THE DOUBLE!

Alfred enters.

Alfred
Sir, I will gladly answer the door, but I am Duke Ha-Ha only during my propaganda broadcasts.

Scene 18. Alfred answers the door and welcomes Batman.

Alfred
Sir, your presence is most welcome here.

Batman
Alfred, I think it’s time that stately Wayne Manor gets a thorough cleaning before Bruce Wayne returns for Inspection!

Alfred
I agree, Sir! Let’s get this place in order!

Scene 19. The Parlor.

Aunt Harriet
Batman! You’ve come to rescue us from these hooligans!

Colonel Bogus rises and calls out to the others.

Col. Bogus
LT. SUTHERLAND! CADET GRAYSON! AND ALL THE OTHER CADETS! GET DOWN HERE IMMEDIATELY, MEN! ON THE DOUBLE! MOVE IT! MOVE IT! MOVE IT!

Aunt Harriet
Oh Batman, please go easy on Dick. I don’t want to see him get hurt.

Lt. Sutherland, Dick Grayson, and the others arrive in the parlor.

Col. Bogus
Surrender, Batman! It’s all of us against ONE!

Dick Grayson joins Batman.

Dick Grayson
You mean against TWO, don’t you, Colonel!?

Col. Bogus
What are you doing, Grayson!? This is rank insubordination!

Dick Grayson
I’m saying that I was the mole all the time! The only reason we took over Gotham City was because you tricked me into having the entire police force covering Fort Gotham! Once I realized you were going to conduct an assault on Gotham City, I appealed to your arrogance to walk in and take over without hurting anybody!

Lt. Sutherland
Begging the Colonel’s pardon, sir, I knew we shouldn’t have trusted him!

Col. Bogus
It’s a little late for that now, Lieutenant! All right, men! Prepare to engage the enemy! Get’em or it’s TAPS!

A bat fight ensues, with fight balloons of “SMACK” “CHUNK” “BAM” “BIFF” “OUCH” AND “POW!” which ultimately defeats the mercenaries.

Aunt Harriet
Oh Batman, thank you so much! But look at this place! What a mess Bruce is going to come back to!

Batman
I’m sure Mr. Wayne will simply be relieved that his home has been purged of these mercenaries.

Aunt Harriet
Well, maybe so. And I know he’ll be happy to have Dick back safe and sound. And Dick, I’m sorry if I misjudged you, but you put on one good act! You had all of us fooled!

Dick Grayson
Well Aunt Harriet, when Batman and Robin approached me and Bruce with the idea of having me infiltrate Colonel Bogus and his gang, I couldn’t resist. It was difficult acting so rebellious and all, but===

Aunt Harriet
A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do! By the way, where is Robin?

Batman
Robin is going to be meeting up with me at Commissioner Gordon’s office to deliver this bogus colonel to the authorities!

Col. Bogus
All right, you got me, but just remember, I know Bruce Wayne’s big secret! And I’m going to reveal it to the world!

Aunt Harriet
Oh my! What are you talking about?

Batman and Robin look very nervous. Colonel Bogus laughs mockingly.

Col. Bogus
No one can keep me quiet! I’ll let the whole world know: Bruce Wayne is a sissy boy who plays with DOLLS!

LOUD AGGRESSIVE KNOCKING at the door.

Aunt Harriet
Now who can that be!?

Dick Grayson
Allow me, Aunt Harriet.

Dick exits to answer the door.

Batman
All right, Colonel! What do you have to say for yourself!?

Col. Bogus
Old Colonels never cry!

Enter Dick Grayson with R. Lee Ermey.

R. Lee Ermey
NO! BUT BOGUS COLONELS GO TO THE STOCKADE!

R. Lee Ermey approaches Col. Bogus and Lt. Sutherland and rips off their stripes.

R. Lee Ermey
WHAT’S THE MATTER, BOGUS!? DIDN’T YOUR MAMA GIVE YOU ENOUGH ATTENTION WHEN YOU WERE A BOY!? DIDN’T YOUR DADDY EVER TEACH YOU ANY DISCIPLINE!? AND WHAT ABOUT YOU, LT. SUTHERLAND!? WAS YOUR OLD MAN SOME KIND OF PACIFIST PROTESTOR!? ALL RIGHT YOU TWO AND ALL THE REST OF YOU! START MARCHING TO THE STOCKADE! LEFT! LEFT! LEFT RIGHT LEFT! LEFT! LEFT! LEFT RIGHT LEFT! MOVE IT! MOVE IT! MOVE IT! MOVE IT! MOVE IT!
The mercenaries hang their heads in shame as they follow Col. Bogus and Lt. Sutherland out the door. R. Lee Ermey approaches Batman and Dick Grayson.

R. Lee Ermey
Gentlemen, it’s been an honor to know that I served with you, at least in this capacity. DIS---MISSED!

R. Lee Ermey salutes them both and leaves.

Fadeout

Scene 20. Interior of Commissioner Gordon’s Office. Batman and Robin and Chief O’Hara and Commissioner Gordon are wrapping it up.

Batman
And so it was simply a matter of Colonel Bogus feeding false information to Dick Grayson and the men, once he realized that there was a mole among them. Thankfully he never suspected Bruce Wayne’s young ward.

Chief O’Hara
Shore and it is a relief to know that Dick Grayson was on our side all the time.

Commissioner Gordon
Yes, but I must admit, even I had my doubts at one point.

Robin
I never had any doubt whatsoever!

Commissioner Gordon
Really Boy Wonder? How could you be so certain? I mean…you weren’t with us when we got that bad information at Fort Gotham.

Robin
Believe it or not, unknown to Col. Bogus and the other mercenaries, I was following what Dick Grayson was doing the entire time!

Commissioner Gordon
Oh, that must have been that special project Batman told us that he had you working on in the bat cave.

Batman
With a special bat camera, Robin was able to follow all the movements of Dick Grayson from the safety of the bat cave.

Commissioner Gordon
Now that the bogus colonel is behind bars and Gotham City knows that Dick Grayson was putting on an act, I think it’s time we all get some well-deserved rest.

Chief O’Hara
Nothing like a furlough to reinvigorate the spirit.

Batman
Indeed.

Fadeout to closing credits

[robinboyblunderer]

That was pretty entertaining, thanks for sharing it. Quite funny and it made me laugh out loud which is quite impressive!

If you have original ideas of your own, good luck with them!

cheers

[elmrgraham]

Holy Excellent.Thank You for mentioning The Sea Hag.Great Story.

[Gorshin Romero]

That was pretty entertaining, thanks for sharing it. Quite funny and it made me laugh out loud which is quite impressive!

If you have original ideas of your own, good luck with them!

cheers

Thank you kindly! I'm glad i could provide you with some laughs!

[Gorshin Romero]

Holy Excellent.Thank You for mentioning The Sea Hag.Great Story.

Glad I could reference you, elmgraham

[robinboyblunderer]

You're welcome.

By original ideas, I didn't mean in relation to Batman, but your own stories that you own.

Good luck!

[Gorshin Romero]

You're welcome.

By original ideas, I didn't mean in relation to Batman, but your own stories that you own.

Good luck!

Thanks, I pretty much figured that. That said, I have been rather lax on my original ideas of late; pity how maintaining a life and household often gets in the way of activities that we would otherwise enjoy doing.

[robinboyblunderer]

Well, you're certainly talented, hope you can get to your own ideas, which, I would imagine, are more satisfying than even the best Batman fan fiction.

cheers