Honoring Joan Collins on her 85th birthday with Siren's 'ideas' for season 4

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High C
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Honoring Joan Collins on her 85th birthday with Siren's 'ideas' for season 4

Post by High C »

The Siren herself, Joan Collins, turns 85 today, and I thought it might be fun to do something a little different to mark the occasion.

Here's a tongue-in-cheek look at how, in a slightly alternate universe, the show might have been brought back for a fourth season, albeit with a little re-booting. (For those who might not know, v/o means off-screen voice-over.)

INTERIOR---GREENWAY PRODUCTIONS OFFICE. Producer WILLIAM DOZIER sits behind a large desk with small stacks of 8x10 photos, outgoing and incoming memos and letters. The intercom buzzes. Dozier’s secretary BONNIE is on the line.
BONNIE (v/o): Mr. Dozier, there’s a Miss Collins here to see you. Joan Collins.
DOZIER: Hmmm, I don’t know why she would want to see me. We concluded filming her episodes months ago. Well, anyway, send her in.
(The office door opens and JOAN COLLINS sashays in. The curly-haired brunette is clad in a mod sleeveless one-piece dress, showing off her curvaceous figure. Calf-high boots accentuate her terrific legs. DOZIER has to briefly shield his eyes as the overhead light reflects off the silver metallic fabric of JOAN’S outfit.)
DOZIER: Good morning, Joan. It’s good to see you, but I don’t know what you’re doing here.
JOAN: Mr. Dozier, I have a business proposal for you.
DOZIER (studies her outfit): Wait a minute! What’s with the dress? Say, isn’t that one of ours? Did you steal that from wardrobe?
JOAN: No, I actually provided most of my own clothing for that shoot, in case you have forgotten.
DOZIER: Whatever, I’ll look into it later. Listen, Joan, the show is over. If you’ve been reading the trades, I’m sure you know we’ve been cancelled.
JOAN: For the moment.
DOZIER: For the moment? No, it’s irrevocable.
JOAN (raises eyebrow): That’s not what I was told.
DOZIER: Oh, really?
JOAN: I met yesterday with Leonard Goldenson. (smiles coyly) I’m sure you know Mr. Goldenson.
DOZIER (with a slight grunt): The president of ABC, yeah, I know him.
JOAN: Well, I made a proposal to Mr. Goldenson for a fourth season of Batman. And he, as well as the all-male board of directors, found my pitch, as you Yanks call it, to be quite convincing. (continues while DOZIER looks at her quizzically) With a slight retooling, we believe the show can be viable again.
DOZIER (now curious): What kind of retooling?
JOAN: We’ve decided to make my character, The Siren, the house villain, if you will. She will appear most weeks except when I need a break, and then you can sub in the Penguin, or Joker, Riddler or whomever.
DOZIER: Hold on, who said I would be a part of this? I’ve already got a syndication deal for the show, Joan. I have no interest in another season. I’m done. Anyway, I really don’t believe you, considering the network told me months ago that the show was done.
JOAN: Would a signed contract make you believe me?
(DOZIER nods. JOAN takes a walkie-talkie out of her silver handbag.)
JOAN (speaks into walkie-talkie): Andante, bring the signed contract to me. I need to show it to Mr. Dozier.
(A dark-haired, somewhat heavyset man clad in a pink pastel long-sleeved sweatshirt and pants enters the room, carrying a briefcase. The name ANDANTE is stenciled on his shirt.)
(continued...)
'I thought Siren was perfect for Joan.'--Stanley Ralph Ross, writer of 'The Wail of the Siren'

My hobbies include gazing at the Siren and doing her bidding, evil or otherwise.

'She had a devastating, hypnotic effect on all the men.'--A schoolmate describing Joan Collins at age 17
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High C
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Re: Honoring Joan Collins on her 85th birthday

Post by High C »

(...continued from previous)

ANDANTE (in a monotone): Here is the contract, ma’am. (ANDANTE hands JOAN a sheet of paper)
JOAN: Thank you, Andante. Oh, and I am so glad you’ve agreed to write for me, for a very, VERY nominal fee.
DOZIER: (looks at ANDANTE in disbelief): Is that you, Stan? (raises voice) Stanley Ralph Ross, is that you?
ANDANTE (barely acknowledges DOZIER, looks at JOAN): My name is Andante.
DOZIER (alarmed, standing up): What the hell is wrong with you? (looks at Joan) What’s going on here?
JOAN (smiles as she slides the contract onto Dozier’s desk): You see, Mr. Dozier, I am a Method actress.
(Before DOZIER can react to that statement, JOAN opens her mouth wide and emits a high-pitched tone from deep in her throat. DOZIER stares at JOAN blankly as his eyes glaze over.)
JOAN: Now, Mr. Dozier, you are ready to do my bidding.
DOZIER: Your merest wish is my ultimate command, Joan.
JOAN: Please, call me Siren.
DOZIER: Of course, Siren.
SIREN: Now, about that producing gig?
DOZIER: Yes, Siren.
SIREN: Andante, give me Mr. Dozier’s contract, and his new dress shirt.
ANDANTE: Yes, Siren. (ANDANTE removes from the briefcase a sheet of paper and a pink pastel shirt with the name ALLEGRO stenciled on it.)
SIREN: Now, Mr. Dozier, your name henceforth shall be Allegro. (DOZIER nods) Go into your private loo and put on this shirt. (JOAN hands him the pink shirt) We’ll continue to discuss business matters, including my rather large share of your syndication deal, once you’ve changed clothes.
(DOZIER nods and goes to his private bathroom as SIREN sits in his chair and puts her silver boots on the desk. She presses the intercom)
SIREN: Bonnie, Mr. Dozier is a bit indisposed, but I promise you he’ll be fine. Hold all his calls for the moment. (Pauses) Oh, and Bonnie, I know you’ve seen a lot of scripts pass across your desk, and I was wondering if you’ve ever thought of being a writer.
BONNIE (v/o): Actually, I have. Thank you for asking, Miss Collins.
SIREN (smiling): Call me Joan. Let’s talk later, Bonnie. I think it’s about time Greenway Productions stopped being a boys’ club.
(DOZIER returns to the room, clad in the ALLEGRO shirt)
SIREN: You look quite smashing, Allegro. (SIREN hands ALLEGRO a piece of paper) I want you to read this in your best Desmond Doomsday voice, please.
ALLEGRO (in a monotone, but forcefully): What’s this? The beautiful and cunning Siren has escaped from Gotham penitentiary---again? Can she be stopped? Tune in tomorrow---same Siren-time, same Siren-channel.
SIREN: Splendid!
'I thought Siren was perfect for Joan.'--Stanley Ralph Ross, writer of 'The Wail of the Siren'

My hobbies include gazing at the Siren and doing her bidding, evil or otherwise.

'She had a devastating, hypnotic effect on all the men.'--A schoolmate describing Joan Collins at age 17
elmrgraham
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Joined: Wed Sep 05, 2012 4:25 am

Re: Honoring Joan Collins on her 85th birthday with some fanfic

Post by elmrgraham »

Holy Excellent.
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